But now the dreams and waking screams
That everlast the night
So build a wall
Behind it crawl
And hide until it's light...

And, all of the sudden, that familiar sting. I feel it starting to unlfold in the back of my head, and even though I try to resist it, it’s still there. I don’t want to go back to that mental space again. But it’s there, developing with the gentle hum of anxiety: depression.

It starts like a little spark, a little voice in your head that suddenly pops up in your mind and says: “Why do you even bother?”. Those days when you just cannot make it out of the bed, because there is absolutely no motivation to get up. Or worse: waking up and wishing you haven’t. I know that kind of pain. I knew it well for several months, during those harsh hopeless days of fall, when basically my life could be summed up by this Metallica video:

(Minus the sex, so it was even sadder…)

I try to keep telling myself that I've only been here for one month, and nobody would expect me to start producing real data by now or being fully adapted to life here. But what if they are? Someone told me that it seems like I am not struggling with the lab work at all. And yes, I've tried my best to not complain and be independent and cheerful despite how I really feel. But what if they think that I am ready to carry out a project? I also feel that my reasoning and deductive skills are not being so bright these days.

In short, I am very worried of being in a situation in which people expect a lot from me and I won’t be able to deliver. I am working trying to figure things out but it’s still not clear. There are some things which I have no experience with at all, and are very hard to understand, and I hate feeling that I am working blindly, because I cannot plan experiments if I don’t know the details about how something is done, and good experiments need to be planned flawlessly.

Besides, the weight of being by yourself in an strange environment is heavier than expected. I had seriously underestimated the impact of moving out into a new country, leaving all behind. Is so hard to find your way in a stranger land and make it your home and create a new lifestyle from scratch. You feel terribly alone, frustrated and disappointed many times. This has given to me a whole new order of respect for those who are brave enough to make it. It is not trivial, it’s awfully scary. Add the fact that I have someone here for me, the boyfriend whom I love, and has helped me more than I would expect to kick-start my new life. I cannot imagine how harsh it should be to make it on your own.

Mama they try and break me...

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